Crust-Asians

“Day of Lightness 314-1010, mission report for junior recruiting agent, Agent Bob Bowski.” A senior agent in a colorful Hawaiian shirt and a thick pair of sunglasses sat across the desk from Bob. The entire room was dim and windowless, the only source of light was an unreasonably bright table lamp pointing right at Bob’s face. “Your name and your age, agent?”

Bob squirmed and tried to move his face away from the light. His bespoke full body black suit and metal cuffs chained him to his seat. The suit only looked good and cool to the newbies and outsiders, right now it was only torture for him.

“Bob Bowski, 36. I’ve been serving the Illuminati for two years.” Bob answered.

“Just answer the question asked, agent.” The senior agent’s voice was cold and emotionless.

“Yes, sir.”

“How long have you been serving the Illuminati?”

“Two - two years, sir.”

“What is the target’s location of your last mission, agent?”

“‘Crust-Asians’, it’s a - ”

“Crustaceans?”

“Nonono, Crust-Asians, sir. It’s a store that sells - high protein pizza crusts.”

 The senior agent grimaced: “A pizza crust store? That’s - new. Who picked it?”

 Bob took a deep breath: “Sam - I mean Agent Sanderson. My - my supervising officer.”

“Who is the target of recruitment?”

“Someone named Egao - something. He’s a - a - crab.”

“That’s a strange name. What does it mean?”

“I think it means ‘satire’ or ‘parody’ in Mandarin. But I’m not sure - ”

“Who killed Agent Sanderson?” The senior agent cut Bob off.

“Staff from the store. When we were still talking with the target, they ambushed us. Agent Sanderson was shot in the chest, neck and legs. He - uh - ” Bob’s voice began shaking, the hailstorm of bullets were still terrorizing him till this moment.

“Focus, agent.” The senior agent knocked on the desk: “What did they look like? Are they human?”

“They’re definitely not human.” Bob shivered: “They’re - they’re men made of dough, light yellow, some light brown. Their faces were carved-on using the pizza cutters. They had these thin slits or cuts as eyes. It’s like they are all - ”

“Crust-Asians. I get it.” The senior agent scoffed: “What happened?”

“So - Agent Sanderson and I went into this store - we prepared everything per protocol. Profile on the target, securing the surroundings - everything. I was wearing this suit, Agent Sanderson was - wearing what you’re wearing, the senior agent uniform. We went in, and then almost immediately, we saw the target. He’s in a glass container, with sea water.”

“Oh, then what happened?” The senior agent finally started taking notes. Probably a good sign. It could also be a bad sign.

“Agent Sanderson went over and talked with him.” Bob took another deep breath before continuing: “Our intelligence was correct - the crab can talk. He can actually speak human languages. And because he had eaten too much crab, he developed some kind of super crustacean brain. So he opened this store, developed the dough recipes and started selling high protein pizza crust to all the pizza chains in the area.”

“What happened to it? You made it out with only yourself. Where’s the recruit?”

“He - he got boiled.” Bob choked as he tried his best to recall the story.

“I thought he controlled the store. Who did it?”

“The dough men did it. ” Tears got into Bob’s mouth, salty, and tasted like blood: “I tried to get Agent Sanderson and the crab out. But they just - dismembered him right in front of me and turned on the water boiler. The crab was red and tasty-smelling in just a few seconds - ”

“Okay. Did you bring back any proof of it?” The senior agent cut Bob off again.

“No - not really - ” Bob shook his head.

The senior agent shook his head with disappointment: “Do you know what creates those - those dough men?”

“I - I don’t really know.” Bob needed an answer. He was on the brink of demotion, he could feel it. “Wait wait wait! Maybe I do!”

“Oh? Do tell.”

“People! It’s people!” Bob tried to rapid-fire the thoughts from his mind, purely out of survival instincts: “Agent Sanderson mentioned that the crab was always luring homeless people, junkies and prostitutes into his store. And - and with enough of human content mixed in with this - this high protein dough, it just turned into people - ”

“Very good theory, agent.” The senior agent clapped his hands: “Very good.”

“Thank you, sir.” Bob let out a breath of relief: “And I know the crab is dead already, but if we can get their recipes, imagine what we can do with it - ”

“The organization already has them, agent.” The senior agent put his notes and Bob’s file together: “So it’s not your concern anymore.”

“Oh - oh?” Bob was at a loss for words: “But why - why am I here?”

“We just wanna make sure you tell us everything you know, before - ” The senior agent stood up and adjusted his sunglasses: “Well - you see: the dough men were pretty unhappy that your failed recruitment attempt cost them their recipe maker. The crab promised them a new recipe that would make them stronger, tangier and longer-lasting. But you and Agent Sanderson ruined it. So, as of right now, you are no longer an agent of the Illuminati, and you will be in the dough men’s custody.”

“No! No! Please!” Bob cried and struggled as the senior agent slowly closed the door: “No! NOOOOOOO! I’m not even Asian!”